YOU MAY BE A GHETTO MARTIAL ARTIST IF....

  1. One of the senior students in your school can't remember his self defense routines, yet can rap all the words to Jay Z's "It's a Hard Knock Life" while waiting to take the belt exam.
  2. Your teacher is a "playa".
  3. You have ever trained under someone who has a Jeri-Curl , S-Curl, or Wave Nuveau.
  4. While waiting for you to work out a form or technique, the black belts go through the Q-Tip and Fife Dog trade offs in A Tribe Called Quest's "Check the Rhyme", asking each other if they are "On point, Tip? Yo all the time, Fife!"
  5. Your instructor refers to a wimpy student as a "beeiiatch", complete with the Snoop Doggy Dog inflections!
  6. Your teacher has a dew-rag or head scarf as part of his uniform.
  7. Your teacher, before putting his bush in a dew-rag or head scarf, combs his hair back with one of those picks from the 70's that has a fist on it.
  8. Instead of telling you to "torque from the hip" to get power in your reverse punch, your teacher tells you to "Put yo' A__ into it!!"
  9. The yuppie suburbanites in your organization are afraid to spar with anyone affiliated with your particular dojo because "you guys hit too hard" when fighting.
  10. Even the white students in your dojo have the rhythmic movements of Mohammed Ali when sparring.
  11. Former students refer to your instructor as "Crack Head" (and you actually wonder if they may be telling the truth!)
  12. Your teacher's guest instructors are people he met while he was in jail, which is where he also developed his grappling escapes.
  13. Your at home winter workout outfit consists of white gi-pants, a black hoody sweater, and a dew-rag or skull cap.
  14. You've ever practiced your techniques "to the beat" in order to perfect them.
  15. Your teacher has ever told you after you executed a throw that you didn't do as well as you would have liked, "Don't worry 'bout it. It's all good."
  16. Your at home spring and summer outfit consists of white gi pants and the latest "FuBu" or some other over-sized ghetto T-shirt. A head scarf serves as an optional sweat band.
  17. You have ever used an empty "forty" as a water bottle during your workout.
  18. You can't count from one to ten in Korean or Japanese, yet you still remember the opening words to Rapper's Delight ("I said a hip, hop, a hippy, a hippy to the hip-hip hop you don't stop the rock...."), AND you're a black belt!!
  19. Sparring brings back found memories of "street fightin' days" for you and/or one of your classmates.
  20. You or one of your classmates have ever had a flashback while going through a Jujitsu Alley.
  21. Your idea of a light but filling meal so that you'll "have something on your stomach" an hour or two before class is a two piece chicken special at Popeyes.
  22. If you or one or classmates has ever responded to your teacher, when asked if you were finished going over your techniques, with "yeah, we just chillin'."
  23. When hit by an impressive technique when sparring, your response is "Daaaaiiiiiiiimmmmn!"
  24. After your teacher executes an impressive takedown on you, your responses is "Waiy a minute, hole up--how you do dat??"
  25. The 2nd Gup/2nd Kyu (Brown Belt--advanced intermediate) students in your school can't remember simple hand combinations, yet can still do the school yard "Miss Mary Mack" hand-slapping games with perfect fluidity.
  26. You've ever used "Miss Mary Mack" as an example of how to execute a hand technique when helping out another student.
  27. You've ever played basketball as a warm-up before class.
  28. Instead of a hard core martial artist greeting like "Usss" or "Tang Soo", members of your school great each other with "What's up, Yo" or "What up Dawg".
  29. You've ever worn a Malcolm X T-shirt under your uniform.
  30. In addition to knowing karate, you also know "ka-razy" and "ka-razor"!
  31. While other martial artists may aspire to break a brick with their head, you make sure you know how to break their head with a brick!
  32. You talk about how you want to pass your hand-to-hand techniques on to your "Lil' Man".
  33. Your "Lil' Man" is barely out of diapers and can already take care of himself with HIS OWN hand-to-hand techniques.
  34. There is someone in your school who is actually named "Lil' Man".
  35. There is someone in your school who is actually named "Lil' Man", AND IT�S YOU.
  36. One of the students in your school is named after a continent (i.e. "Africa", "Asia", etc.).
  37. One of the students in your school is named after a continent (i.e. "Africa", "Asia", etc.), AND IT�S YOU.
  38. None (or VERY FEW) of the people in your school with Arabic sounding names are actually of Arabic descent.
  39. You have trouble remembering how to do your jump kicks, yet you still remember how to do complicated Black dances like "The Snake", "The Worm", "The Running Man", and "The Cabbage Patch".
  40. You have ever done complicated Black dances like "The Snake", "The Worm", "The Running Man", and "The Cabbage Patch" as a warm up to your workout.
  41. You're a black belt, you can't remember how to do the forms/kata for white belt, yet you still remember how to do complicated Black dances like "The Snake", "The Worm", "The Running Man", and "The Cabbage Patch".
  42. A white student in your school has dreadlocks.
  43. The white students in your school know the words to Jay Z's "It's a Hard Knock Life" BETTER THAN YOU DO.
  44. The white students in your school have practiced their techniques "to the beat" in order to perfect them.
  45. You�re a black martial arts student who knows more Asian history than you do Black History.
  46. When ORGANIZING an awards ceremony for BLACK Achievement in the Martial Arts on television, you neglect to invite, or invite very few WHITE practitioners, yet invite tons of ASIAN practitioners, even though, obviously, the Asians ARE NOT BLACK, and you show up at this BLACK ceremony WITH A WOMAN WHO IS NOT BLACK.
  47. When ORGANIZING an awards ceremony for BLACK Achievement in the Martial Arts on television, you give TONS of awards to ASIAN practitioners even though, obviously, THEY ARE NOT BLACK.
  48. You where a kufee or a kente cloth with your karate uniform when you accept your award at the ceremony for Black Achievement in the Martial Arts.
  49. You where a kufee or a kente cloth with your karate uniform when you accept your award at the ceremony for Black Achievement in the Martial Arts, AND YOU�RE NOT BLACK.
  50. You've learned so many moves from Breakdancing you feel no need to take Capoera.
  51. You know enough street dancing and street fighting, so you feel no need to order Billy Blanks� "Tae Bo".
  52. Your teacher still keeps up his contacts in prison.
  53. You can't count from one to ten in Korean or Japanese, yet you still remember the opening words to Rapper's Delight ("I said a hip, hop, a hippy, a hippy to the hip-hip hop you don't stop the rock...."), AND you're a black belt, AND YOU'RE KOREAN OR JAPANESE!!
  54. You don't respect a black belt if he can't "whip ass".
  55. Your fighting abilities are such that the people in your organization only allow you to spar with other ghetto martial artists.
  56. The intermediate students in your school are feared by black belts at other schools in your organization.
  57. You have no respect for the intermediate students in your organization if they can't beat up some of the black belts at the other schools in your organization.
  58. You received a low grade on a portion of your lower belt exam because a member of the grading board is mad with you for beating him/her up, AND HE/SHE IS A SECOND OR THIRD DEGREE BLACK BELT.
  59. Students from other schools in your organization want to learn how to fight like the people in YOUR SCHOOL.
  60. You learned knife and/or gun self defense techniques out on the street, before they were EVER covered in class.
  61. Your knife fighting skills are better than your instructor�s and you�ve had very little formal training because you learned how to use the knife on the street!
  62. Other people are impressed by martial artist who learn how to break BRICKS with their HEADS. You are impressed by martial artists who know how to break other people's HEADS with BRICKS.
  63. Other martial artists want to learn how to break boards with their hands. You use your hands to get a board in order to break it on other martial artists.
  64. You compliment your striking skills with "Puerto Rican Judo" ( as in "Ju doan know if I gotta knife, ju doan know if I gotta gun, ju doan know nuthin' 'bout me, Esse"), and YOU'RE NOT PUERTO RICAN.
  65. You learned your Puerto Rican Judo from your sister.
  66. You learned your Puerto Rican Judo from your mother.
  67. You learned your Puerto Rican Judo from your auntie.
  68. You learned your Puerto Rican Judo from your "Nah-nah" (i.e. grandmother).
  69. Your wife AND/OR girlfriend AND/OR girlfriends is/are (an) expert(s) in Puerto Rican Judo.
  70. You don't feel the need to drill your students in hand techniques because they learned all they need to know from "Slap Boxing" with their relatives by the time they were six years old.
  71. The foundation of YOUR hand technique is based on Slap Boxing.
  72. One of the students in your school is named after an Asiatic country, (i.e. China, India, etc.)
  73. One of the students in your school is named after an Asiatic country, (i.e. China, India, etc.) AND IT�S YOU.
  74. The beginner students in your particular school can beat up the intermediate students at other schools in your organization.
  75. After over twenty years of training in hand-to-hand combat, your first instinct in a real fight is to reach for your nine, 45, or glock.
  76. You've never used your karate or kungfu in a real fight because you've been to busy hitting your opponents over the head with the nearest hand-held object.
  77. Any of the white students in your school speaks Ebonics as a FIRST language.
  78. You actually think that because you know a few words and combat terms in Korean, Chinese, or Japanese you can communicate with a native speaker.
  79. You can�t remember how to count from one to ten in Korean, Chinese, or Japanese, yet you can decipher and recite the words to the songs by Bone, Thugs, and Harmony with no problem.
  80. You can�t remember how to count from one to ten in Korean, Chinese, or Japanese, yet you can decipher and recite the words to the songs by Bone, Thugs, and Harmony with no problem, AND YOU�RE ASIAN.
  81. Your grandfather, uncle, or big brother ever told you the following: "Son, you don't need to take no Karate, DIS IS HOW YOU WHUP A N****'S A**!!"
  82. You learned how to slap box from your big sister.
  83. You've gotten your black belt and still have a hard time when Slap Boxing with your big sister.
  84. Your wife knows Slap Boxing.
  85. Your grandmother could tell Peyton Quinn a thing or two about "Real Fighting".
  86. Your mother could show Van Canna a thing or two about "Self Defense Realities"
  87. Your mother taught you "ka-razy" AND/OR "ka-razor."
  88. You try to feel the hostile emotions of combat when doing kata, shadowboxing or practicing jujitsu alone by imagining you are being attacked by hooded members of the Ku Klux Klan--and it works!!
  89. You�ve ever wondered how techniques learned from your knife kata could transfer over to a broken beer bottle.
  90. You�ve ever considered creating a weapons kata for the brick, baseball bat, or tire iron.
  91. You�ve ever knocked out a traditional martial artist with a brick, baseball bat, or tire iron.
  92. The storefront window to your school is covered with bars and/or bulletproof glass.
  93. Your school uses graffiti as part of it�s storefront logo.
  94. You give third degree black belts a tough time when sparring because you have the attitude of "I ain�t gonna let NOBODY just whip my ass", and you�re not even a black belt!
  95. You have ever worn Timberland boots with your uniform.
  96. You have ever worn a ghetto T-shirt, (i.e., Versace, Fubu, Rugged Wear, etc.) under your uniform.
  97. You have ever worn a dew rag or head scarf under your head gear.
  98. You have ever worn a dew rag or head scarf under your head gear, AND YOU�RE WHITE.
  99. You don�t wear head gear because you can�t fit it over your braids or dreadlocks.
  100. You don�t wear head gear because you can�t fit it over your braids or dreadlocks, AND YOU�RE WHITE.
  101. You have ever trained at a school that is in walking distance of a place that sells chitterlings (i.e. "chit-lins").
  102. You�ve ever practiced your breakfalls or tumbling techniques on a moldy or urine stained mattress.
  103. Your breakfalls or tumbling techniques have saved you from a drive-by shooting or a bar fight.
  104. Despite seeing yourself in countless examples listed above, you still don�t think you are a ghetto martial artist.
  105. You want to give an ASS WHIPPIN� to whoever came up with this ghetto list in the first place!!!

Test for Ranking in Ghetto-Ryu:

If you would like to calculate your ranking in Ghetto-Ryu, tally up your points as follows:

Go back over the list and give yourself two points for every item numbered 1 through 80 AND 82 though 101; fifteen points for items numbered 81 and 102 and one-hundred points for items 103 and 104.

Note that you may be able to get a ranking in Ghetto-Ryu EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT A MARTIAL ARTIST!!!

Note that you may be able to get a ranking in Ghetto-Ryu EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT BLACK!!!!

Compare your points to the ranking listed below: